Guilt

Tonight I am trying to prepare for the three mid-term exams that I have tomorrow. My teachers all thought that their students would have a lot of mid-terms last week so they were "kind" and moved theirs to Thursday this week. Unfortunately for me, all but one of my teachers thought the same thing, so I have a pile up.

Why am I feeling guilty? Here's the list:

1) I've missed tai chi for the past 3 weeks and had planned to do a make-up class tonight, but now I'm not going to because I have to study. My "Spirit Mom" paid for the class and I hate feeling like I'm wasting her money.

2) I need to be working on a logo but I'm putting it off because I am so terrible at Illustrator. It just seems so counter-intuitive to me! The logo is designed- by hand- but now I have to put it into the computer to make it actually useful and I'm not working on it, I'm writing this blog.

3) I don't write anything on this blog nearly often enough.

4) I have no idea what I'm going to do when unemployment runs out. I need to be working on the 4 picture books, YA novel, and screenplay that I have under construction, I need to be more diligent about my portfolio and I need to be networking and following up on leads more, but I'm not. I can blame school, or recent car troubles, or any number of things, but to be honest, I know excuses are just excuses and if I could make myself focus I'd be in a lot better shape.

5) I spend too much time on the computer, claiming to be doing research.

6) I keep saying I'm starting a diet, but I never really do.

So, what to do with this hot mess which is me? I think I need to deal with it instead of feeling guilty about it... Suggestions?

October

I'm not sure why, but October is my favorite month. It makes me feel melancholy, but hopeful, like magic could really happen if I believed hard enough. My goal is to believe hard enough.

It's windy tonight, the wild hunt is riding through the tattered clouds and I can see through the window of my computer room that the mulberry trees are starting to change. I think they are so lovely when they are gold against the New Mexico blue sky.

I'm writing a paper on the Sutton Hoo ship burial, so my head's in the past right now, wondering wondering about who was buried there, with his ship and his weapons. Traditional wisdom states that it is Redwald's tomb, but with no body and nothing to prove it beyond two spoons marked Saulos and Paulos (supposedly a gift on the occasion of his conversion) I remain unconvinced. Really, maybe this type of spoon was a traditional gift for someone who converted from Paganism to Christianity. And hey, what about this so-called conversion? He was buried in his ship, with all of his stuff. Legend has it that his wife was unhappy about the conversion and that he ended up with twin altars, a Pagan one and a Christian one, next to each other. I think he was hedging his bets.

Need to get back to work on it now, and also paint three presentation boards for the film project Tree and Rick and I are trying to get off the ground.

My website is updated, http://www.faeriechilde.com/, and I hope it will get me some work. Please take a look when you have time...